


No Feelings

by Breezy_Bee



Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: AU, F/M, Friends With Benefits, Loki - Freeform, Loki/reader - Freeform, Self-Esteem, Thor - Freeform, sex only
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-12
Updated: 2019-06-12
Packaged: 2020-05-01 18:35:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19183417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Breezy_Bee/pseuds/Breezy_Bee
Summary: The rules were simple; don’t fall in love. But things in life never stay as simple as they were intended.





	No Feelings

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by this “imagine...” on tumblr!  
> https://imagine-loki.tumblr.com/post/181301957731/imagine-that-you-and-loki-are-just-in-a-sex

No Feelings

 

The rules were simple; don’t fall in love. But things in life never stay as simple as they were intended. For my part, it was relatively easy. I had a bad track record with men and I was so over being used. I was sick of putting myself out there only to be dragged down. I was tired of laying my heart on the line and having it trampled upon.

 

I obviously wasn’t cut out for relationships. I always managed to push the other person away and make them leave.

 

So this time, it was my turn to set the rules. And like I said, they were simple. Don’t fall in love. No feelings apart from lust. Sex only. Go our separate ways after we were satisfied. For all intents and purposes, we were using each other. Simple.

 

Loki had other ideas.

 

I’d say it had been about six months since we’d started up our benefits relationship. I saw him roughly once a week for mind blowing sex and then I took my leave. Occasionally we talked and cuddled, but only for so long.

 

I wanted to ignore the little voice in my head that whispered about all the secrets I’d told him. But... it was true. So I told him things that I’d never told anyone. What was the harm? We didn’t run in the same circles. It was safe to tell him things that were weighing on me. It beat the hell out of paying a therapist or actually having to tell someone who knew me.

 

But anyway. It started like all the other times. He met me in the lobby of a hotel downtown. I already had the keycard in my pocket. We took the elevator up to the room. As soon as the door closed behind us, I dropped both my bag and my jacket on the floor and fell into his waiting arms as I kicked my flats off my feet.

 

I tried to devour him. I’d had a particularly terrible day and I was dying to make it better. A quick tumble would suit me just fine. But Loki seemed to have other plans for me. His hands cradled my face and softened the hard kiss I had planted on him. His tongue swept across mine, but didn’t fight with it. It was almost... sweet.

 

I yanked his shirt out from his pants, desperate to increase the pace of this encounter, but he wasn’t having it. His hands moved down my face, paused to brush my hair away from my neck, and continued down until his fingers were entwined with mine. In one move he’d rendered my hands totally useless.

 

I gave a frustrated growl against his mouth, biting down on his bottom lip to encourage him along. It didn’t work. He let go of one of my hands and pulled his mouth away from mine. He smiled softly at me and his eyes danced with mischief. He tugged on my hand and led me towards the bed.

 

He pushed me down onto the pillow top and I thought he was going to give me what I wanted. But I was wrong. So, so wrong. Without shedding any of his clothing (or mine, for that matter), he followed me down, carefully settling his weight over mine.

 

He joined our lips once more and it was the same kind of tender kiss that he’d bestowed upon me in the doorway. I wanted to cry with frustration. He’d always followed my lead, happy to let me set the pace. Which was usually fast and hard. But this... this was torture.

 

I reached between us, trying to get my fingers on his belt. His hand captured mine and forced it above my head. He broke the kiss and gave a soft chuckle.

 

“Not so fast,” he chided, bringing my other hand up to join the first. “Let me play...” he entreated.

 

With my hands held captive, I had little choice but to let him do what he wanted. He seemed to be in no hurry this time around and I begrudgingly realized that he was going to get his way. Admittedly, while I was disappointed he wasn’t already fucking me six ways to Sunday, I knew I wouldn’t walk away unsatisfied. It wouldn’t hurt to let him take me the way he wanted.

 

The hand that wasn’t restraining mine teased its way down my torso, slowly popping open the buttons on my shirt. His mouth followed the path his hands made, kissing every inch of skin he revealed. His tongue laved at the swell of my breast and I pushed against him. I wanted that tongue swirling around my nipples that were already hard enough to cut glass. He let go of my hands long enough to pull my shirt off. Before I could enjoy my freedom, he whispered something, his lips ghosting along my skin with each syllable and suddenly my hands were bound. Like, actually bound.

 

“I don’t trust you to keep them there,” he explained, using his newly freed hand to squeeze my breast through my bra.

 

As if to prove him right, I tested my bonds. He laughed and I sighed.

 

“I’ll release them soon enough,” he promised.

 

His hands slid underneath me to unclasp my bra. He pulled it away from my body and up my arms until it was resting on my trapped hands. His hands feathered down my breasts ever so lightly, barely even brushing my aching nipples. I arched into them, trying for a deeper contact. My actions only caused him to smile wider.

 

Before I could say anything to him, he dropped his head and his mouth engulfed my right nipple. I cried out, wishing I could bury my hands in his hair. His teeth pulled at my nipple and I cried out again. _Fuck_ , _but_ _that_ _felt_ _good_. His other hand was working my left breast, tugging my nipple into a taut peak.

 

“Loki,” I moaned, involuntarily lifting my hips against his. For one glorious moment he ground his erection into me. I gasped.

 

He let my nipple go with a soft pop and his mouth continued its journey down my body. He kissed the space between my breasts. He kissed down my stomach until he reached my belly button and I jerked as he dipped his tongue into it. He made it to my jeans and stopped.

 

I whined, my body aching for release. If I had been desperate before, I was absolutely frantic now. His teasing pace had set my body aflame. And by the looks of him, he was nowhere near finished. I wasn’t sure I would make it.

 

His fingers made short work of the button on my pants and then slowly pulled the zipper down, the sound loud in the quiet room. After a moment, he tugged them down my legs, leaving me laying on the bed in nothing but my panties. He ran his left hand up my right leg, stopping as he reached my lace covered pussy.

 

I was breathing heavy and the anticipation threatened to swallow me whole. I felt his lips start a path up my leg, the same path that his hand has just taken. As his mouth reached his hand, his eyes lifted to meet mine. He kept them locked as he grasped the edge of my panties with his teeth and dragged them down, exposing my soaked slit.

 

He inhaled shakily and used the hand that wasn’t braced on my thigh to finish removing my panties. He finally broke eye contact and languidly moved his hand back up the inside of my thigh.

 

When his finger brushed teasingly against my clit, I thought I was going to pass out. One pass, two, three. And then he stopped. I sobbed. He made a soothing noise in the back of his throat and then two of his fingers were buried in me.

 

“ _Ahh!”_

 

“Shhh, I’ve got you,” he breathed, bowing his head.

 

His tongue rubbed firmly against my clit and his fingers moved in and out of me easily. I was a mess as he finally gave me the relief I’d been seeking. He crooked his fingers inside me, curling them just so, causing them to brush my g-spot with every pass.

 

“Ohhh...” I thrashed my head against the pillow and yanked on my restraints. One last tug and my hands were free. After shoving my bra aside, I swept them into his hair, clutching onto his head as he worked me closer to an orgasm.

 

I could feel it building within me; every swipe of his tongue and every thrust of his fingers was taking me higher. Before I knew it, I was going over the edge, the pleasure blinding me. I screamed, that much I was sure of. I was still winding down when I felt him withdraw his fingers from inside me. His tongue had slowed its rhythm considerably and after I had floated all the way back to myself, it stopped completely.

 

He lifted his head and looked at me with hooded eyes. “You are so beautiful,” he murmured.

 

His words caused me to blush in a way his actions hadn’t. My heart constricted in my chest and I fought it. _No_ _feelings_. So I didn’t answer him with words. Instead, I reached for his belt, intending to finish what I had started.

 

But he brushed my hands away, pulling his belt through the loops himself. He casually slipped his shirt up and over his head. He leaned down and gave me a fleeting kiss. Before I could deepen it, he was moving away from me again to finish undressing.

 

When he was finally naked, he joined me on the bed. He didn’t do anything right away; he settled in next to me and placed his lips on mine once more. Again, it was a soft and sweet kiss. It was all gentleness. I felt my heart clench again and I tried to turn the kiss into something rougher, but he wouldn’t let me.

 

Somehow he managed to keep it light. While he was kissing me, he rolled on top of me. He spread my thighs carefully, breaking the kiss to look into my eyes. The look he was giving me was so intense. My breath caught as I tried to identify all the emotions swirling through them. He didn’t give me enough time to figure it out. My thoughts took a sharp left turn as I felt him push into me. My eyes drifted closed as I took in the sensations.

 

He fit me so perfectly. It was almost as if he was designed just for me. And then he started moving, keeping a torturously languid rhythm. He knew exactly what he was doing as he began to build me up again. I wanted him to go faster and I flexed my internal muscles in a silent bid to make him do so. He just laughed above me and kept his pace.

 

I huffed and arched underneath him. I couldn’t complain too much. The angle he was keeping caused him to clip my clit with every stroke and it only stoked the fire within me. I licked my lips and tried in vain to catch my breath.

 

Loki wasn’t faring much better above me. Despite the controlled tempo, he was sweating and panting. I clawed at his back as my orgasm began to sweep over me. One more thrust and I was gone. I dropped sharply on a deep inhale and curled my fingers against his back.

 

He wasn’t far behind me. I was still drowning in wave after wave of completion when he gave a short shout and I felt the rush inside me. He held still, his forehead pressed against mine, as he recovered. We were both gasping for breath.

 

After a while, he finally pulled out of me, causing me to make a small noise of loss as he went. I felt empty. Bereft. Lost without him. Which was silly. No feelings. He hadn’t even gone anywhere. He was still hovering over me.

 

He dipped his head and gave me a lingering kiss. It was lazy and oh so delicate. There was something different about this time. Loki was different. The sex was different. I didn’t know what to make of it.

 

After one last brush of his tongue against mine, it retreated back into his own mouth and he moved to lay beside me. He wrapped his arms around me and snuggled me into his side, pillowing my head on his chest. I threw an arm around his waist and closed my eyes basking in the afterglow. He ran his fingers through my hair, massaging my scalp every so often.

 

I was practically asleep after only a few minutes. My brain was so hazy that I almost didn’t hear what he said to me. _Almost_.

 

“Little one,” he started. There was a hesitation in his voice.

 

“Hmmm?” So sleepy. So content. _So_ _perfect_.

 

His hands stilled in my hair. “I... I love you.”

 

I froze, the sleepiness dying at once. _No_ _feelings_. My heart ached. I freaked. I don’t remember the details. I couldn’t do this. I withdrew. I closed off.

 

I fled.

 

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

 

It had been two weeks since I had seen Loki. Two _long_ weeks. I’d been dodging his calls and texts. I wasn’t answering my door for anyone. I’d changed my usual route to work. I found new places to hang out. I needed time. I couldn’t think when he was around me. He scrambled my brain in a way that I used to love. I felt free when I was with him. Because there had been no expectations. _No_ _feelings_.

 

Oh, but I was lying to myself. I had so many feelings when I was with him. I couldn’t define them. But feelings equaled hurt in my experience. And I know I wouldn’t be able to handle a rejection from him. I just wouldn’t. And there was always rejection in my experience.

 

This was supposed to be the easy option. Sex wasn’t complicated. _Yeah_ , _right_.

 

I sighed and spun the empty shot glass in front of me. The local pub had been my high school hang out. I’d been getting served there since I was seventeen. I hadn’t been there in years. And definitely not since I’d met Loki. That made it a safe place.

 

“That’s an awfully long face for such a pretty girl.”

 

I ignored him. Probably some drunk who didn’t know me from Adam. I’d let the bartender deal with him. I wasn’t in the mood to deal with idiots today.

 

I sighed again and flagged the bartender. He poured me another shot.

 

“I’ve got it.” I rolled my eyes and turned to tell off the stranger that obviously didn’t realize that I wanted to be alone.

 

I opened my mouth, but the words died on my lips. I recognized the _idiot_. He was Loki’s brother. Of course, I’d never met him, but I had seen him in pictures at Loki’s apartment. Panic bloomed and my adrenaline soared. If he was here, Loki probably wasn’t far behind. _Oh_ , _God_. I couldn’t face him. I couldn’t face him sober, let alone three shots in.

 

“Relax!” he boomed, taking the barstool next to me. “It’s just me.”

 

“I... ah...” What, exactly, does one say to their former fuck buddy’s brother?

 

“So you’re the girl that Loki went and fell in love with.”

 

I just stared at him. I didn’t know what to say to this man. I didn’t even know his name, for fuck’s sake!

 

“I’m Thor, by the way. Not sure if Loki ever mentioned me.” He paused long enough to order a beer. “He’s told me a lot about you.”

 

“He has?”

 

He nodded, taking a few swallows of his drink. “To be honest, you’re all he talks about.”

 

My heart dropped into my stomach. “I can’t imagine there’s very much to say. I mean-“

 

“Trust me. He talks about you constantly. It’s actually quite annoying.” He was smirking as he said it, though, so I had a hard time believing that it actually bothered him.

 

I sighed and tossed back the shot he’d bought me. Couldn’t let it go to waste, after all.

 

“But he hasn’t said much in the last couple of weeks.” He frowned. “I finally dragged the whole story out of him this morning.”

 

My feet were very interesting all of a sudden. I didn’t want to have this conversation. Not now. Not ever. Not with Loki. And definitely not with Thor. I wasn’t ready to bare my soul to anyone, let alone a total stranger.

 

“You wound him. He would treat you like a princess. He has his faults, my brother, but he is true. And he is in love with you. Why won’t you give him a chance? Do you truly feel nothing for him?”

 

Heat bloomed on my face. It appeared as if I was going to have to have this conversation, despite how much I didn’t want to. What didn’t they understand? I told Loki no feelings, God dammit! Feelings were messy. I always fucked it up. I was never good enough. And Loki... God, he was _perfect_. There was no way I could make him happy.

 

I opened my mouth and the words started rushing out. “That’s not it at all! I don’t have enough words for all the _feelings_ I have for him. But I just can’t!” My words broke on a sob, but I couldn’t stop there.

 

I opened myself up in a way that I hadn’t in _years_. All the dirty details came spilling out. I couldn’t make anyone stay. I couldn’t make anyone happy. They always left. I made them miserable! And Loki deserved so much better than someone like me. He deserved someone who would make him happy.

 

Sure, maybe he thought we’d be happy together, but what happened when I inevitably did something wrong? I wouldn’t be able to handle the fall out. I wouldn’t be able to handle him telling me what all the others had said before. _You’re_ _ridiculous_. _I_ _can’t_ _handle_ _you_. _You_ _fuck_ _everything_ _up_. _You_ _don’t_ _make_ _me_ _happy_ _anymore_. _You’re_ _not_ _good_ _enough_.

 

The tears were choking me and at some point during my tirade, Thor had hugged me and was trying to calm me down, making shushing noises. It just made me cry harder. Why couldn’t they see? _I_ _didn’t_ _deserve_ _to_ _be_ _happy._

 

I pushed him away and rubbed my eyes, trying to dry the tears.

 

“You think so poorly of yourself,” Thor said softly. “Have you ever considered that maybe it isn’t you who are flawed, but those who could not see the rare flower that they had?”

 

I gaped at him. “I-“ I took a deep breath. “No. I’m the common denominator.”

 

He looked thoughtful. “I don’t think you give yourself or my brother enough credit. You make him happy simply by being you. Just because your past relationships have failed does not mean that this one will. It doesn’t make you any less worthy of love. And you belittle Loki by trying to make his decision for him.”

 

I swallowed, considering his words. I frowned. Was... Could that be true? I acknowledged that I had self worth issues. But... Was what I was doing really belittling Loki? I wanted what was best for him.

 

“Loki is a big boy and he is capable of making his own decisions. You underestimate him.”

 

Thor was three for three on the mind reading, seemingly answering my questions without my asking. I looked up at him through my lashes. Was I capable to putting these thoughts behind me?

 

Maybe... Maybe it was time to try.

 

xoxo xoxo

 

I was nervous. It had now been close to a month since I’d seen Loki. After Thor had left me in the pub, I’d been forced to do some hard thinking and self evaluating. It had been difficult. I’d been thinking in the same negative thought patterns for so long, I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to break free.

 

I’d gotten myself into counseling. It was the best thing for me. The counselor was a good fit. She was patient with me. She didn’t correct me, but offered alternative truths instead. It had been an enlightening few sessions. It helped me see things from a different perspective.

 

It helped me see that I didn’t really have any rational reason (or right) to assume that Loki would be like the rest.

 

I was sitting in a local coffee shop. I had texted Loki the night before, asking him to meet me. He hadn’t answered. I hadn’t been brave enough to call him. I wasn’t sure he was going to show. I bit my lip and looked at my watch for what felt like the hundredth time in the last five minutes.

 

He was already ten minutes late. With every second that ticked by, I began to lose hope. Of course, I’d brought this upon myself. I’d known when I’d reached out that it may have been too late. It wasn’t fair to expect him to wait around on me forever.

 

A half hour passed and then an hour. There was still no sight of him. I could feel myself beginning to crumble. I swallowed thickly and picked up my coffee cup. I couldn’t, wouldn’t break down here. I chucked the paper cup in the recycling on my way out the door and started my trek home.

 

I was fumbling with my keys when the waterworks started. The keys slipped from my hands and landed on the cheery welcome mat.

 

“Fuck!” I pounded my hand on the door and began to sink down. I was sliding down the door when a hand grabbed mine and lifted me back to my feet. _What_ _the_ _fuck_ , _why_ _can’t_ _everyone_ _just_ _leave_ _me_ _alone_?!

 

“Let me help you.”

 

My heart skipped a beat. That voice... My eyes flew up to meet a familiar pair of smiling eyes. _Oh_ _my_ _God_. _He_ _was_ _here_.

 

“Shall we go inside?” He bent over, picked up my forgotten keys and opened the door. He handed me back the keys and I numbly accepted them before letting him usher me into my own apartment.

 

“I waited an hour,” I whispered hoarsely as I sat on the sofa. He sat down at the opposite end. _Too_ _far_.

 

“I busted my phone last week.” The thoughtful pause told me there was more to that story. “I only just replaced it this morning.”

 

“So...”

 

“Little one, I will always come when you ask.”

 

I cleared my throat and turned to face him. “I... I don’t know how to do this.”

 

“Perhaps I can help?” He crosses the distance between us until we were touching. “I talked to Thor.”

 

Panic. These goddamn brothers were going to give me a heart attack. My poor heart began to beat out of my chest. I tried to remember the things my counselor had said about my assumptions. I fought to control my breathing.

 

“I will always love you,” he quietly confessed. “You will always be more than good enough. I will strive to make you happy, always.”

 

“I know that,” I admitted. And I did. It had taken me a long time to realize it. There was so much I wanted to tell him, but the words got caught in my throat.

 

He seemed to understand. “You don’t have to say anything; I just want a chance. A chance to prove that it can be good between us.” He reached up and tucked my hair behind my ear.

 

I nodded. And then I flung my arms around him. I needed the physical contact to prove that this was real. That he wasn’t going anywhere. He gave me what I needed, returning my embrace tenfold. His arms were like a vise around me and it reassured me that he wasn’t going anywhere.

 

We were going to make it work.

 


End file.
